Operational definitions

"It takes half the total time you went out with somebody to get over them" Charlotte, SATC S2E1. I'm fucked if this math equation is true

there.. i put an operational definition to my feelings toward him and mine's relationship.



At the end, the final breakup rule, no matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends. - Carrie.

nothing else to speak for now

till..

i saw his pictures on facebook. For three fucking years that i have known him, he has never make a photo album till now and he tagged himself in them too. he looks great.. a little thin in the picture (= to really thin in person, probably the same weight as the first time we met). his pictures looks great.. like he has gotten a new camera or something. a lot of snap shots of random objects.. his place looks great. he looks so happy. (and gosh i am starting to cry)

we havent spoke to each other for 7 days now.. i called him so many time over past weekend.. he ignored me.. he called me sunday night.. i ignored him b/c i was at Dom and LIz's, celebrating Alice's birthday.. at the same time, i just dont really want to speak with him.

he doesnt care about me anymore.. why bother?



stop crying.

Noise

So much noise here during the weekend...

this last semester really sucks. everyday, i remember how big of an idiot i am for not finishing school semi-on-time.. how could i messed up spring 07? how did i not just graduate in spring 08? and now spring 09 is looking so... going to be my last spring break, am i going to go anywhere??? Ling said i should go for it.. bc i will never get a week off for no particular reasons. but the one thing i want the most is to hear him say "why don't you come, relax, tour around L.A.?"

On and on, he just doesn't seems to care to help me. Haven't talk to him in days.. usually, i would call, he misses the calls and doesn't call back. i just want to scream so badly at him and ask "what happened to the person who is supposed to be my best friend?" ive always seen him as more than a boyfriend.. i thought he was the same to me.. is it true that once love feelings is gone, the friendship is gone too?
:'(

i wonder why i have no true friends. why?
Got a really weird feeling when my elementary school best friend from HK replied me on Facebook. It said "It been so long, we used to be best friend..."

Nobody in the Food Science department talks to me.. my friends don't really update me with what they are doing or what they are not doing.. then now, he is going away too. why is that? why is that other people can be bossy and tell all they things they want.. but people still accept them as friends. whereas me, i tried and try and try... i am nice to people.. i make good suggestion.. i can help with previous semesters' hw.. i want to help them.. i want to receive calls about not meeting at hub for lunch.. i want to be invited to parties.. i want to hear "Yin, you want to go shopping?" do i come out as harsh, mean person? i dont mean any of it.. i dont know why!!!

why?

other then noise from outside, drunk, music... i have all these internal noises from my brain. and then i also have noise from the past just keep playing and asking..

why do i have no friends?

butter+jelly toast

Who knew it was the best toast I have ever had, white toast with butter and strawberry jam in a small little hostel in Kyoto, Japan. I never have the opportunity to eat it ever again while it is made by the same person again, him.

today, i sent him a someecard. its been 5 days since i last spoken with him. no emails, no chatting, no nothing from him. "i hate you i dont want to hear from you anymore", was the one demand that i didnt have to repeat 1000 times, and i guess i got what i wanted. sigh~

i dont regret saying that to him; i really felt that way after the phone conversation, because the friendship between us HAVE sunk (Laffy Taffy joke). but now, like always, i am starting to worry if he is fine and dandy? did he changed his info on facebook before he left for L.A.? or did he changed it afterward? there is no way the hotel doesnt have internet access!! I checked with his friend... she said he has not been online. But I wouldnt be surprise if she is hiding it for him. i almost texted him a couple of times today... ask if he saw the Grammy Award? what have you done so far? you got a rental car yet? seens any camera on the streets, filming reality shows yet?

he blocked me. he must have.

shit.. i am sleepy...i am suppose to finish reading Annie >.<" i really dont have the same excitement as before when i see a welsh corgi anymore. Nestle Purina Petcare was presenting in FSC tonight. It was for QA management trainee position. Pros: working with dogs and cats Cons: QA position.. ( I really like R&D)

And there I go.. giving in again
me: matt.. please dont block me. im sorry >(`~` )<

~Valentine

Last year for Valentine's day, he gave me the book "Puppy Kisses are Good for the Soul" by Howard Weinstein, a book about lessons the author and his Pembroke welsh corgi learned from each other. I finially finished HALF of the book a week before 2/14. 

Will I finish the book by Valentine's day???

12/1/08

: it's called a goal, silly

i dunno

that's part of the reason i'm a bit sad recently - i don't have many great goals anymore

11:04 PM i need to rediscover them

:P

i think my job put me off from my goals

11:06 PM what about you?

yin, goals are pretty important in life

you'll think of something sooner or later, and when you do.... you'll be thrilled with it

11:07 PM even strawberry farm

or maybe just being the kindest pet owner ever

whatever would make you happy!

and whatever you want to become better and better at

that's a goal

that's an aspiration

and that's a reason to live!

Why did I used that conversation as the opening of this post? Because I am going to find a goal in my life. My goal, no matter what it will be, will make me happy.


Since last time, I'd like to think that I have moved a little forward. I wrote a long, fat email to him expressed a lot of my feelings. I was calm when writing it at 4am in the morning (holy crap, it was just this morning and i thought it was days ago)!

Feb 7, night: I saw Jon Gosselin from Jon&Kate plus 8. Who in there right mind would want 8 kids at 27 years old, right? But he and his wife stuck with it because thats what "life" threw at them. So they lived with it, happily!

i just thought about how Howard Weinstein, author of "Puppy Kisses are Good for the Soul", had Annie, a Pembroke welsh corgi, as his structure in his gloomy-est days. I just think, who or what is mine?

I guess that is why I am REALLY upset about the breakup. I lost a good good friend. I started to think Since November 2008, i have been feeling him as a friend of mine who's slowly disappearing from my life. I miss him of course, I miss his love, care, hugs, speech, ... but all that is nothing comparing to losing a best friend.

For two months, i wasnt as sad as now. of course it had some other reasons (Katy's wedding, hoildays, being with families) i knew i had a structure in my life; i had a friend whom i can always talk to. He is also someone who would talk to me about anything. BUT, that was all shattered since the post.

i have to find a new life structure. this is a goal. it will be difficult.


Please dont block me. Please dont let me "not hear from you ever again". Please give me that imaginary structure in my life.
:'(